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Pregnancy from hell…as only would happen to me…

July 20, 2011

Dane and I have been in Lubbock TX for a few months now.  He didn’t make it into the police academy, so now we are here until he finishes college. Hooray.  I already have trust issues, so now I have to work through my thoughts about him being in college with girls younger, more to offer with nicer tits.

I am nearing my 8th month of pregnancy and am neither ready or not for this to happen.  I have never been so bipolar in my near 30 years as what I’ve been during this pregnancy.  After this baby, I will be getting my tubes tied.  I have no desire to have anymore children, from my body, and go through the major struggles of depression and anxiety like I’ve been going through.  I would have rather been throwing up all day every day, than this.  Feeling defeated, worthless, unhappy, anxious about every little thing and completely mentally exhausted has left me looking forward to nothing.  I feel like I have nothing to look forward to.

Most women have their dream wedding with their perfect dress, groom, bridesmaids, family and friends all around them, but not me.  Most women are thrilled to find out they are pregnant, not me.  My first thoughts were, “I am already raising my husband” and “I am far too fucked up to have one of my own”   Needless to say this pregnancy has been one from hell.  I am not living around any of my friends, nor my own family.  Dysfunctional or not I would have preferred to be around them through this time.  No one from my family or friends has seen me pregnant.  I didn’t get to do all the fun things pregnant women do.  I wasn’t able to go to any of their showers let alone have one of my own.  I have felt completely alone and depressed this whole time, along with feeling a bit robbed because of other reasons of which I will not share.  At this point, I am so unhappy that I just want to hide away from everyone and anyone.  I don’t want to be alone…but it’s more bearable when it’s only me to deal with.

All my dreams and the things I looked forward to are gone.  Let this be a lesson to people.  Not all married pregnant ladies are happy about their situations.  The next time one of your friends, sisters, or wives complain, do not say to them, “Oh you should take this time for yourself, or ‘oh you should be looking forward to the arrival of your baby!”  Do not expect them to be excited.  It’s not fair to put that kind of pressure on someone who is already feeling overwhelmed.  Not everyone is happy about being a mom, especially when they feel like their life is a shit storm of anxiety and depression.  Maybe I don’t deserve this child…or maybe this will be my ticket to happiness since everything else fell apart.

Maybe things will change when she gets here…maybe.  For right now, all I can think about is where I would rather be and what I would rather be doing…

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From → The Daily Egg

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