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Everybody poops but me!

February 17, 2011

Poop talk in my house is common forum. We all poop. It happens. Except to me.

Fully aware that people, other than strangers, will be reading this I decided to delve into the bowels of hell…literally. So family, and people from my growing up years, I apologize if you see me in new light after this. (or dark) There are women out there who need answers regarding their body, and whereas I vowed to never post a fetal picture on my Facebook nor website, I never said I wouldn’t talk about the grossness that is pregnancy.

So here it is. Day 7 and I have yet to poop. Yes, I said 7. It’s like Hosni Mubarak is in my colon and refuses to leave. The times I have actually gone have been painful, leaving me gripping the rim of my pedestal sink. I am deathly afraid to strain or push. The force needed for that would cause either a miscarriage, brain aneurysm, or something of biblical proportions. It’s not pretty. I look like I am 5 months pregnant, with cement. I have tried drinking more fluids, exercising more, filling my glasses with heaping teaspoons of fiber, eating more veggies, blah blah blah blah blah. So last night, I decided it was time for Operation Evacuation. Prune Juice followed by a coffee chaser. Nothing happened other than producing a Macy’s parade float amount of gas. Since today is my day off, I decided it wouldn’t hurt to try it again. I had some rumbling of the stomach. With every rumble I got excited thinking, “This is it!!!!” only to be mocked by my own body. Fed up, sulking at my computer and full of hot air, I browsed from one page to another trying to find some magical solution. Nothing. More rumbling of the stomach. No one is around but the dog, what do you do? You fart. This time, I was not aware I was gambling on it, and the house won. Horrifically aware I just shat my pants, I bow-leggedly walked to the bathroom like John Wayne into the nearest saloon. Liquid. I had to drink prune juice, risk caffeine, tried everything written by every German Gynecologist, and I poop liquid? WTF?

I went to my Dr appointment today for my orientation. Before the nurse could finish uttering the phrase, “constipation” I was already giving her the exact date of the last normal poop I had taken. “Please, please, please HELP ME!” Apparently this is normal. Normal? I would rather have diarrhea on a normal basis then try to pass a paving brick once a week. This stuff could be mortar in a war zone. First, she recommended a glass of prune juice, with a pat of butter heated in the microwave. Is she fucking serious????!!!! No way am I drinking this shit again. The she recommended Milk of Magnesia. Ok, that I can do. I was ripping off the seal before we could reach our front door. The directions say it might take anywhere from ½ hour to 6 hours! Oh joy. I love the waiting game. I might as well throw a coat of paint on the wall and watch that dry just to make the time go by faster.

Women, if you have to fart in front of your husband while you are pregnant, do it. You’ve earned it. Throw caution to the wind, UNLESS you have had prune juice. In which case, you might want to invest in some depends. Hang in there. 99% of pregnant women understand what you are going through, so don’t give up on your quest for comfort!

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From → The Daily Egg

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