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Something has to give

November 11, 2010

Photo:  My newly shaved head.  For those of you who are like, WTF?, I lost a lot of hair and thought it best just to shave it off since I was having a panic attack every time I washed my hair.  It sucks…

So far this week has been going fairly quick. Dane is off work until Sunday night, we don’t have any plans, and will probably sit around the house as usual. There is nothing to do around here, and since his unit is deploying, he is on a 30 minute recall incase they need help packing bags onto the busses that will take the soldiers to the airport. I can only imagine the guilt he feels knowing they are going without him. I don’t feel like this is the end of the road for him. Hitting rock bottom has left him with many bruises, fractures, gaping wounds, all that will heal in time.

Myself… I feel empty, like a lake that has been hopefully awaiting a monsoon rain for what seems an eternity. I am lifeless inside. It hurts to get out of bed in the morning, and Dane is right; I am boring these days. The changes I have made really do suck. Apparently I am snappy, less affectionate, and boring. Those words hurt almost as much as seeing him type to some girl on Skype that he is single. Press on I do, every day, though sometimes I don’t feel like pressing on anymore. I wish I could disappear sometimes. Just load up my backpack, the dog, and set out for a new life, but then I have to remind myself that running away has never amounted to anything good in the past, however, this time I think if I did leave that it would be completely warranted. Its hard enough trying to raise myself, let alone another person who is more messed up than I. The stress from this past year has taken a toll on my body and mind. Physically, I ache. Mentally, I am forgetful and cannot concentrate on anything long enough to finish a task. Emotionally, I am spent. Where is there room to give the affection he needs? Why do I always have to give give give, when I have nothing left? I pray every day for enough strength not to lose patience with him.

I had a therapy session today. She is great, but I don’t think I am getting anywhere. I just spew word vomit for an hour and then I am on my way. Talking about what’s happened doesn’t feel good, in fact, it makes me feel worse, but I know I need to face it. She asked me if I could have any job in the world, what would it be? I answered, “If I had to work for someone, I would be a chef. If I could be my own boss, I would have an eatery.” Saying that out loud was a painful reminder of the things I will probably never do.

I need a change. Something has to give…


From → The Daily Egg

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