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A letter to my cat

November 6, 2010

Dear Cat, I have to say you are the cutest little black hole of need, however, there needs to be some boundaries if we are to co-exist in the same house. I am going to go through a small list of items which annoy me.

1) The trick of jumping into my arms on command is only fun when I expect it and has gotten out of control. Doing it to my back when I don’t expect it not only startles me, but you could hurt yourself. When I am carrying grocery bags or an open container of juice, that is not the time to do it either. Take note that I already have my arms full and do not have the dexterity to juggle. Doing that to random people who come into our house is a no-no.

2) Sandwich making does not require your assistance. Sitting on the counter, being a foreman while the sandwich is under construction is not part of your job description. Your job is to sit on the floor, and yell at me until I relent and drop you a piece of meat. Stealing the uneaten portions of my sandwich, though I wasn’t going to finish it, is no-no. I will over look the time you removed an entire slab of turkey off my sandwich and take it as a hint that I need to lose weight.

3) When I start to walk out of a room, no matter what room, this is not a green light for you to play NASCAR and cut me off causing me to trip over you. I fall a lot faster than you can move.

4) Bathroom time is alone time for humans. Jumping into my lap or up onto my shoulder whilst I poop is not the time nor the place. Also, TPing the house is a practical joke meant for outside, not for indoors. Toilet paper needs to stay in the bathroom. The balancing act on the edge of the tub is not a good idea. You may fall in one day. Though I will laugh hysterically for hours, you will be very upset. Our sink is small. I cannot put in my contacts nor brush my teeth if you are in the sink, trying to smoosh your face into mine while you purr.

5) The dog’s tail is not a cat toy.

6) Yes, the chickens are mean to other animals and you will be attacked again should you cross paths. I told you it was better to stay inside then to sneak out.

7) You don’t need to climb into the refrigerator every time we open it. Nor the freezer.

8) The movement under the sheets is not a mouse, I assure you. It is our toes and they do feel pain when you bite down on them even through the covers.

9) My computer is off limits. I know you want attention, but I am tired of sending emails and IM’s that look like this: fhjasfhu00ehf8888888gds

This is just a small list of items. I know we can work through these things!

Love, Amy

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From → The Daily Egg

One Comment
  1. Brian permalink

    That is awesome my wife has two cats that could use that list.

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